Age

Inside every old person is a younger one wondering what the hell happened.

Immigration

Illegal immigrants are not the new problem. Native Americans used to call them "white people".

Joke of the Month

A Jamaican mad man was seen speaking into an empty envelope and was asked: "What are you doing?" He answered: "Yuh a idiot? Yuh nuh si seh mi a sen a voice mail?"

Joke of the month

A Chinese was bragging to a Bosnian saying that next year life in China will be twice as good as this year.
A Bosnian simply responded:
"That's nothing! Life in Bosnia is already twice as good as it will be next year."

Joke of the month

Ne znaš šta je gore: ili ići u grad pa gledat' ono što ne možeš jebat', ili ići kući pa jebat' ono što ne možeš gledat'.

- Heard on my last trip to Croatia

Marketing

1. You see a gorgeous girl in a party, you approach her and say: "I'm rich, marry me."
That's direct marketing.
2. Your friend goes to a girl, points at you and says: "He is very rich, marry him."
That's advertising.
3. Girl walks up to you and says: "You are rich, will you marry me?"
That's brand recognition.
4. You say: "I'm rich, marry me." and she slaps you.
That's customer feedback.
5. You say: "I'm rich, marry me." and she introduces you to her husband.
That's demand and supply gap.
6. Before anybody says anything your wife arrives.
That's restriction from entering new market.

Our language

Overheard at a grocery store by someone waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her was a white man. After she hung up, the man speaks up.

Man: "I didn't want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you're in America now. You need to speak English."

Woman: "Excuse me?"

Man: *very slowly* "If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English."

Woman: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

Joke of the month

Otišli Mujo i Fata u Ameriku. Dobili sve potrebno za život, samo im rekli da kad dobiju dijete moraju mu dati neko američko ime.
Rodila Fata sina i otišao ga Mujo upisati u knjigu rođenih. Kada se vratio pita ga Fata: "Koje si mu ime dao?"
"Sjedinjene Američke Države", odgovori Mujo!
"Pa, kako ćemo ga, bolan ne bio, zvati?"

ESADEEEEEEE........

Angels

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks their wings
they simply continue to fly
on a broomstick.

Joke of the month

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it.  I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.."  
Perplexed and horrified the man seeks a second opinion from a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:  "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."  
The guy impatiently replies: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"  
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way.. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes." says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!"

Joke of the month

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the  problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and  on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.  
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said:
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
Bob thought for a moment and replied:
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Joke of the Month

There were four buddies named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. 

They had an important job to do and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. 

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. 

Everybody got angry about that, because it was Somebody's job. 

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. 

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done..

Joke of the Month

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine." the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She said, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious? They're all named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes.., it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'. And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running'. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively: "But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

Joke of the Month

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all.” said the 80-year-old.

“Do you have trouble crapping?” asked the 70-year-old. “No, I crap every morning at 6:30.” the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00!”

Joke of the Month

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

#2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

#3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

#4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

#5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

#6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

#7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

#8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

#9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

#10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Joke of the Month

A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the secretary: "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in our church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer: "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem.", the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see...", said the pastor. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Joke of the Month

George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here" says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got 3 people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go and you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George reluctantly agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In there was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air, such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No! I've got this problem with my back. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil then opened the third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms and legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best!

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I could handle this!"

The Devil smiled and said..."Monica, you're free to go."